


no, i don't know how to forget you

by opprimed



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bartender Dean Winchester, Fluff and Angst, Hook-Up, M/M, Mutual Pining, One Night Stands, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 07:59:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16013672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opprimed/pseuds/opprimed
Summary: It's just sex, until it's not.





	no, i don't know how to forget you

**Author's Note:**

> Every night, Dean tells himself that it’s just a hookup. But every night, he sleeps with the man he met at a bar who has the loveliest blue eyes he’s ever seen. And with every passing night, he can feel himself falling a little bit more. (songfic: “sex” by EDEN; italics are the lyrics)

\---

_"and we were just having sex no i would never call it love"_

EDEN, sex

\---

_And I said, “what’s up?_  
_What you been thinking?”_

Dean looked over at Cas’s face and peered into his deep, blue eyes.

_'Cause you've been staring at that roof so long I'd swear it's come alive_

“I’ve just been thinking,” He started, his voice husky and low from the alcohol.

_And she spoke nine words_

“Are we ever going to see each other again?”

_And now we’re sinking_

Dean could feel Cas’s blue eyes pierce into his own green eyes and inspect the expression on his face. Dean tried his best to appear emotionless under his gaze.

Truth is, Dean had been asking himself the same exact question.

“I don’t know.”

_But I can’t find it in myself to want to lie to keep this thing from going down_

-

Dean woke up to the smell of bacon and the sound of sizzling eggs. He quickly got up and fumbled around for his clothes and phone. Of course he had to be a jackass and overstay at Cas’s apartment. Fucking idiot.

“Are you awake? I made breakfast for us,” Cas yelled from the kitchen.

Dean froze.

_‘Cause that girl took my heart_

Every part of his body was screaming at him to leave, to say goodbye because this was just a hookup. Nothing more.

But there was a small voice in the deepest part of his head whispering, “stay.”

_And I ain’t want it back_

“Yeah okay, let me dress, mom.” Dean yelled back to receive a low rumble of a laugh.

_No_

Dean stepped into the living room to see a plate of fresh, warm food waiting for him.

“Hey,” Cas said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to serve homemade breakfast to a man he had just slept with for the first time. “Come sit down.” He smiled softly.

_I’m laying down my cards_

Dean sat down.

-

“Do you remember what you said last night?” Dean asked, wincing at his own words. It was past midnight, and he was naked under the covers of Cas’s bed.

_‘Cause you said it meant nothing_

“No, what did I say?” Cas shifted his body to look at Dean.

_And I should’ve kept my silence_

“Oh. Uh- Nothing. It’s not really important.” Dean worried that Cas would read his face.

_But I guess I’m too attached to my own pride to let you know_

Cas shifted back to his original position but Dean could tell that he was suspicious of his answer.

_That all these words meant nothing_

But it was enough for Dean to release the tension from his shoulders.

_And I’ve always been this heartless_

Because this felt different.

_And we’re just having sex, no, I would never call it love_

Because Cas felt different.

_But love_

Something blossomed in his chest.

-

It was 3 am and Dean laid awake, clutching the sheets of Cas’s bed.

He couldn’t sleep.

The feeling in his chest spread throughout his body the more he thought about Cas.

His messy obsidian hair, his tanned skin, his soft smile, and his beautiful, crystal blue eyes.

And at exactly 3:11 am, Dean realized everything.

_Oh no, I think I’m catching feelings_

Dean felt his heart stop.

_And I don’t know if this is empathy I feel_

He kept running his fingers through his hair, as if it would calm his thoughts.

_Just hold on_

This was the last time.

_Remember why you said this was the last time?_

But was it, really?

-

Dean knows he has to end it.

_Let die to let live_

So then, why can’t he?

-

Another night, in bed, laying awake.

Except this time, it was Dean’s bed.

Sleeping in his own bed didn’t make anything feel better. It just made everything feel worse.

_And what’s good_

He sighed shakily.

_When both choices I’ve got_

He has to end this “sex buddies” relationship. He knows.

_Have us staring down the barrel to the bullets I can’t stop?_

But he doesn’t want to. And that’s so much worse. Because these relationships never end well. He’s had enough past experience.

_And so I standoff_

Dean tries to sleep.

_Like indecision’s Kevlar_

He tries to ignore his thoughts, yelling, screaming, at him.

_‘Till this fear of feeling stops and I’m done_

The decision is inevitable, but Dean just wants to sleep.

_But you_

He doesn’t sleep that night.

-

Tonight, Dean lies awake, in his bed, the space next to him empty and cold.

He doesn’t know what happened.

It was all a blur.

But he knows that the sad, broken blue eyes and the lonely feeling in his chest were all his fault.

He ended it.

Why?

“Because,” a small voice in his head said, “You had to. There was no other choice. You did the right thing.”

Dean hid his face in his hands.

It didn’t feel right.

He hated the way how Cas looked so heartbroken.  
He hated the way Cas looked so confused and betrayed.  
He hated the way Cas had said, “Goodbye, Dean” with the smallest voice.

Was it really the only choice?

Was it really the right thing to do?

(Something else in his head screamed “no”.)

-

Dean went on with his life.

He scrubbed the tables at the bar and served overly sweet alcoholic drinks to loud, giggly, drunk teenagers.

He started drinking again.

Sam noticed.

Dean told him to leave it alone.

-

Everywhere he went, Dean saw Cas.

_No, I don’t know how to forget you_

He saw Cas in the bees that flitted around in the fields of flowers.  
(Cas had rambled about how he admired the work bees did for the environment and Dean had quietly listened, because he loved the way Cas’s face lit up when he talked about something he was passionate about.)

_No, I don’t know how to forget you_

He saw Cas in the unhealthy food he ate, everytime he ate it.  
(Cas made Dean homemade, delicious, healthy food for Dean whenever he could because he disapproved of Dean’s eating habits. Dean protested at first, but then gave in. The fucker made kickass sandwiches and crumbly apple pies.)

_No, I don’t know how to forget you_

He saw Cas in the forgotten bottles of beer that had been haphazardly tossed away after finished.  
(Cas never gave Dean a reason to drink.)

_No, I don’t know how to forget you_

In reality, Dean never saw Cas after that night.

-

Dean tossed and turned in his bed, hoping to get at least an hour of sleep before getting up early to go to work.

His bed didn’t feel comfortable anymore.

Nothing did, really.

Everything felt dull, and everyday passed by painfully slow.

He tried to empty his empty his mind, but failed, miserably.

Dean kept thinking back to Sam, and what he had said to him earlier that day.

(“Dean, you’re my brother and I want what’s best for you.”

“Then quit bugging me, Sammy.”

Sam sighed, his eyes misty and his face etched with worry and exasperation.

“Okay, Dean. But, just- I haven’t seen you happy since Cas.”)

Is he happy?

Dean knows the answer.

He doesn’t want to admit it.

But he knows.

He doesn’t need anyone to tell him.

Because he remembers how happy he felt in Cas’s arms.  
He remembers the way his cheeks flushed when Cas would whisper compliments into Dean’s ear.  
He remembers Cas’s soft, fluttery little smiles whenever Dean would compliment him back.

Dean remembers every moment, every memory.

Except, he doesn’t want to keep them as memories.

_(No, I don’t know how to forget you)_

He doesn’t want to have to remember Cas.

_‘Cause that girl took my heart_

He doesn’t want to keep Cas as a memory.

_(No, I don’t know how to forget you)_

“So what do you want?” Spoke the voice in Dean’s head.

_And I ain’t want it back, no_

What did Dean want?

_(No, I don’t know how to forget you)_

He wanted to feel happy again.

_A bulletproof restart_

-

At 11 am, Dean got up and dressed in a sweater and jeans and headed out the door.

He started his way to Cas’s apartment.

Dean felt his heart beat faster with every step.

If this was any other “hookup”, Dean never would’ve had to feel this way.

_Oh no, I think I’m catching feelings_

But it wasn’t.

_And I don’t know if this is empathy I feel_

Cas wasn’t just any hookup, and it took Dean way too long to realize that.

_Just hold on_

Because hookups, one night stands, they all meant one time. The only time. The last time.

_Remember why you said this was the last time?_

But Dean didn’t want a last time.

-

At 11:16 am, Dean reached Cas’s door, and he knocked, holding in his breath.

_Whoa, yeah_

“Dean? Why are you here? I thought you said-” Cas looked exhausted, both physically and mentally, with his ruffled hair, baggy eyes and unshaved chin.

_Whoa_

“I know what I said, Cas,” Dean looked down, not wanting to look into Cas’s brilliantly blue eyes. “I- I just never realized how important you are to me.”

_So I guess it’s..._

Dean looked up cautiously to see Cas’s sad smile.

_Whoa, yeah_

He continued. “You know, when I saw you at the bar, I only meant for it to be a hookup. A one time thing. But you were different, Cas. You invited me to stay, you made me food, and you gave me your number and said that you hoped I’d call. You said you had a good time and that you wanted to see me again. No one’s ever said that before. So I came back. And I thought it was wrong to keep what we had going because I knew it would end bad for the both of us. And it did. But that’s only because I was a fool.” Dean smiled sympathetically at Cas, avoiding his eyes. “I’m sorry for that. You’re the best person I know, Cas, and you make me happy. I just hope you can forgive me, because I’d like for that thing between us to last a little bit longer.” Dean felt the weight lift off his chest after he said everything he wanted to say.

_Whoa_

“Dean.”

Dean looked up at Cas’s eyes and felt his breath stop.

Cas was smiling with his teeth and his gums and his cheeks were flushed, eyes bright with small tears.

He stepped closer to Dean and cupped his face, still smiling softly.

“You make me happy, Dean, and I want us to last longer, too. It’s about time you realized that.”

He leaned in, cheeks damp with tears, and kissed Dean.

_Let die to let live_

-

It’s 2 years later, and Dean is sleeping in his and Cas’s bed, but he isn’t alone.

The space next to him is occupied by Castiel Novak, his newly wedded husband.

Dean shuffled closer to Cas and wrapped his arms around his waist.

A soft and muffled “Is everything okay?” was heard from Cas.

Dean smiled. “Yeah, everything’s fine. I was just thinking about how we started officially dating.”

Cas squeezed out of Dean’s arms and moved his body to look at Dean.

He laughed softly. “That was an unnecessarily confusing time.” Cas kissed Dean’s cheek and stroked the hairs on his neck.

“Yeah, it was.” Dean laughed with Cas, as if they were sharing a secret. “I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t gone to your apartment that night.”

_No, I don’t know how to forget you_

Cas’s eyes shone in the moonlight.

“I don’t know either.”

_No, I don’t know how to forget you_

“But you know what I do know?” Dean asked Cas, smiling at his husband’s confused expression.

_No, I don’t know how to forget you_

“I know that it was never just a hookup.”

_**No, I don’t know how to forget you.** _

 

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for everyone's feed back on my first fic! It honestly warmed my heart so much to see your comments omg :')))  
> My heart grew 3x sizes <3333
> 
> I love all of you guys, so here's my new fic! I really like EDEN so I decided to choose this song because the song itself has a fitting plot. (Also because I like the song, but that's besides the point.) This has a lot of small holes and everything's a bit vague because I like to write like that, but regardless, I hope you enjoy :)


End file.
